Whether domestic violence occurs in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, it is a very serious issue. Domestic violence in same-sex relationships doesn’t get nearly as much attention as it does in heterosexual relationships, but the reality is that the rate of violence is roughly the same.[1] Why, then, does it seem like such a non-issue?
One of the reasons domestic violence is so down-played in same-sex relationships is because there are so few reported incidents. Reporting an incident to the police can be very difficult to do, so the victims often remain silent. Because of this, domestic violence in same-sex relationships, just as in heterosexual ones, is largely underreported.[2] Though domestic violence victims of all sexual orientations share some of the same reasons for not reporting the incident, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender victims have some of their own reasons.
One of the main reasons that victims of domestic violence in same-sex relationships don’t report the incident is the fear that nobody will listen. Moreover, they’re afraid of what might happen to them if a report is made. It isn’t so much a physical retaliation that’s feared (although that, too, is an issue); it’s the fear of abandonment and isolation.[3] This especially holds true in smaller communities where being gay is uncommon, therefore less understood. “Gay people are very isolated outside of big cities, and sensitivities to certain issues are different in certain areas of the country.”[4] In small towns where gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender are already isolated, victims fear that if they report the one person who accepts them, they won’t have
anyone else to turn to.
When these low-tolerant communities receive a report that a gay man beat up his boyfriend, it won’t be treated with the same level of importance and urgency as perhaps a female victim in a heterosexual relationship. With this in the back of a victim’s mind, reporting an incident is a lose-lose scenario. They have the choice of reporting the incident with the probability of nothing being done about it, further isolating himself/herself from the community. If they don’t report it, they hold on to the hope that their boyfriend/girlfriend will change. They may continue to be abused, but at least they won’t feel completely abandoned.
Gay and lesbian couples experience the same issues of power and control as heterosexual couples.[5] One of the ways that the batters in these relationships maintain control is by playing on the victim’s emotions. Emotional abuse is, after all, a form of domestic abuse. Take this for example: many victims of domestic violence in the gay and lesbian community are in their first same-sex relationships. Often times, they keep their sexual orientation a secret from friends, family, coworkers, or anyone else they feel ashamed of telling. They may be embarrassed and only carry on their relationship in private. As a method of controlling his/her partner, the batterer may threaten to “out” the victim if s/he doesn’t keep quiet about the abuse.[6] Victims in these circumstances are more afraid of being “outed” then they are of future abuse. They are so afraid of being judged and, as previously stated, isolated by their friends and family, that they will do whatever the batter says, adding to the number of unreported incidents.
[7]
Another reason domestic violence is so down-played in same-sex relationships is because when we think of two people of the same sex fighting, we think of it as a fair fight between equals. We have the false assumption that two people of the same gender have no power differences.[8] For this reason, an abusive man might believe that there’s nothing wrong with hitting his boyfriend. When violence is perpetrated by a man on a woman, the automatic assumption is that the man is much larger and stronger, therefore the beating she received must have been severe. In contrast, we assume that a man who’s battered by his wife should be able to defend himself. We assume that he’s probably just annoyed; how can a woman that small really hurt a man that large? In the same sense as male victims in heterosexual relationships, we tend to think that violence between two individuals of the same sex is more of a lover’s quarrel than anything else.
Domestic violence in same-sex relationships doesn’t get nearly the amount of attention as violence in heterosexual relationships, but it’s just as big of a problem and needs to be addressed.
[1] http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/gay.shtml
[2] http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/gay.shtml
[3] http://ssdv.acon.org.au/information/mythsandfacts.php
[4] http://news.medill.northwestern.edu/chicago/news.aspx?id=143833
[5] http://current.com/items/89026025_the-myth-of-domestic-violence-in-same-sex-couples.htm
[6] http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/gay.shtml
[7] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lA2yti9pc7o
[8] http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/37/12/22
One of the reasons domestic violence is so down-played in same-sex relationships is because there are so few reported incidents. Reporting an incident to the police can be very difficult to do, so the victims often remain silent. Because of this, domestic violence in same-sex relationships, just as in heterosexual ones, is largely underreported.[2] Though domestic violence victims of all sexual orientations share some of the same reasons for not reporting the incident, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender victims have some of their own reasons.
One of the main reasons that victims of domestic violence in same-sex relationships don’t report the incident is the fear that nobody will listen. Moreover, they’re afraid of what might happen to them if a report is made. It isn’t so much a physical retaliation that’s feared (although that, too, is an issue); it’s the fear of abandonment and isolation.[3] This especially holds true in smaller communities where being gay is uncommon, therefore less understood. “Gay people are very isolated outside of big cities, and sensitivities to certain issues are different in certain areas of the country.”[4] In small towns where gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender are already isolated, victims fear that if they report the one person who accepts them, they won’t have
anyone else to turn to.When these low-tolerant communities receive a report that a gay man beat up his boyfriend, it won’t be treated with the same level of importance and urgency as perhaps a female victim in a heterosexual relationship. With this in the back of a victim’s mind, reporting an incident is a lose-lose scenario. They have the choice of reporting the incident with the probability of nothing being done about it, further isolating himself/herself from the community. If they don’t report it, they hold on to the hope that their boyfriend/girlfriend will change. They may continue to be abused, but at least they won’t feel completely abandoned.
Gay and lesbian couples experience the same issues of power and control as heterosexual couples.[5] One of the ways that the batters in these relationships maintain control is by playing on the victim’s emotions. Emotional abuse is, after all, a form of domestic abuse. Take this for example: many victims of domestic violence in the gay and lesbian community are in their first same-sex relationships. Often times, they keep their sexual orientation a secret from friends, family, coworkers, or anyone else they feel ashamed of telling. They may be embarrassed and only carry on their relationship in private. As a method of controlling his/her partner, the batterer may threaten to “out” the victim if s/he doesn’t keep quiet about the abuse.[6] Victims in these circumstances are more afraid of being “outed” then they are of future abuse. They are so afraid of being judged and, as previously stated, isolated by their friends and family, that they will do whatever the batter says, adding to the number of unreported incidents.
[7]
Another reason domestic violence is so down-played in same-sex relationships is because when we think of two people of the same sex fighting, we think of it as a fair fight between equals. We have the false assumption that two people of the same gender have no power differences.[8] For this reason, an abusive man might believe that there’s nothing wrong with hitting his boyfriend. When violence is perpetrated by a man on a woman, the automatic assumption is that the man is much larger and stronger, therefore the beating she received must have been severe. In contrast, we assume that a man who’s battered by his wife should be able to defend himself. We assume that he’s probably just annoyed; how can a woman that small really hurt a man that large? In the same sense as male victims in heterosexual relationships, we tend to think that violence between two individuals of the same sex is more of a lover’s quarrel than anything else.
Domestic violence in same-sex relationships doesn’t get nearly the amount of attention as violence in heterosexual relationships, but it’s just as big of a problem and needs to be addressed.
[1] http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/gay.shtml
[2] http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/gay.shtml
[3] http://ssdv.acon.org.au/information/mythsandfacts.php
[4] http://news.medill.northwestern.edu/chicago/news.aspx?id=143833
[5] http://current.com/items/89026025_the-myth-of-domestic-violence-in-same-sex-couples.htm
[6] http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/gay.shtml
[7] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lA2yti9pc7o
[8] http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/37/12/22
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