http://www.youtube.com/v/bh5OnXnRtxg&hl=en&fs=1&">[1]
Women stay in abusive relationships for a variety of reasons. One is that she feels her abuser is truly remorseful for what he did; she believes when he says it won’t happen again. Depending on the severity and the frequency of the assault, it could be more or less difficult to forgive and forget. For example, most relationships consist of a minimal amount of back talk and bickering. The one time an argument escalates into a physical confrontation may be so out of the ordinary that an apology for the behavior will suffice; “let’s get over it and move on.” Because the abuse was so uncharacteristic, the victim believes that her batterer is sorry; that it won’t happen again. However, the more frequent this behavior becomes, the more she will question his sincerity. It soon becomes a regular and expected occurrence, or what’s been referred to as the “Cycle of Abuse.”[2]
The cycle of abuse depicts a pattern often experienced in abusive relationships. There are three different stages in this cycle: the tension building stage, the battering stage and the honeymoon stage.[3] In the tension building stage, stress levels rise in the abuser and he becomes upset. He starts to engage in minor acts of abuse, such as name-calling and threats. It’s also common for the individual to hit and break things as a way to release frustration. The victim wants to ease the tension, but she also feels like she has to “walk on eggshells” to avoid doing or saying something that may make matters worse. The situation quickly escalates to the battering stage, which is pretty self explanatory; the abuser engages in some form of violent physical conduct to display power and control over his victim. When he wants to bring peace back into the home, he begins to manipulate the victim. He apologizes for his conduct and says that it will never happen again. He makes excuses for the behavior and makes the victim feel that it was less severe than it really was. He says and does things for the victim to make her believe the apology is sincere. This is the honeymoon phase. Everything in the relationship seems perfect until the cycle begins again.
As an outsider looking in, it seems like the problem of domestic violence has an easy solution; “just leave the relationship.” Although the lucky ones will leave before more damage is done, some have other reasons to justify staying. A woman’s childhood, for example, could have an impact on her decision to stay.[4] A woman who grows up watching her mother get beaten may think that violence is part of a natural relationship. Similarly, a woman who has been in nothing but abusive relationships may come to the conclusion that getting hit is normal. So, in their minds, they’re going to get hit no matter who they’re with. Why leave an abusive man with whom so much time and energy has been invested, just to begin an abusive relationship with someone new?
Another reason a woman will choose to stay in an abusive relationships is fear.[5] She may fear that her abuser will somehow retaliate against her for getting the police involved in their dispute, or for “abandoning” the relationship (this also has an impact on the amount of incidents that go unreported). Moreover, if there’s a child in common, there is fear of retaliation upon him/her. Often times, a woman in this situation will choose to stay in the abusive relationship just for her child’s sake. She may realize that the courts are going to grant visitation rights to her attacker. The only way for her to protect her child is to not leave him/her with his/her abusive father. So she stays in the relationship to sacrifice herself for her child.
Perhaps one of the biggest fears a woman has when leaving an abusive relationship is fear of the unknown. For such a long time, she has relied on her spouse to care for her, to love her, to pay the bills, to protect her, etc. The thought of making it on her own seems impossible after relying on him for everything. How is she going to feed her children? Who’s going to give her a job with no prior work experience? How’s she going to continue paying the mortgage? Who’s going to take care of the things that she’s never had to worry about doing on her own? These are all very real concerns that brew in the minds of women in these situations. There are answers; some women just don’t know where to find them.
[1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bh5OnXnRtxg
[2] http://www.casainc.org/domestic.html
[3] http://www.thans.ca/Content/ViolenceAbuse
[4] http://www.leavingabuse.com/why_women_stay.html
[5] http://www.leavingabuse.com/why_women_stay.html
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