Think About the Children

Domestic violence has an affect on all children who have witnessed it. For a child to witness his mother abused by his father, a man whom he’s supposed to admire, is a traumatic experience. The child may lose respect and become fearful of him. He may grow to resent him for putting his mother through so much pain. Moreover, he may grow to be disappointed in his mother for putting up with so much abuse and subjecting him to the violence. There are many degrees in which children are effected by witnessing domestic violence. No matter how severe it is, all of these children are affected in one way or another.

Typically, the best way to learn something new is through example. If someone wants to learn to rebuild a motor, demonstration is the quickest way to pick it up. This is also relevant subconsciously. If something is being said or done over and over again, it’s going to be embedded in the mind of whoever’s listening or observing, regardless of whether it’s something the individual sought to learn. Children that are put in this situation, depending on their age, are even more influenced by example; the younger they are, the less ability they have to reason. Unfortunately, domestic violence is no exception to this rule. The more a child witnesses violent behavior, the more s/he is taught that it is acceptable and appropriate. A 1981 study shows that “male batterers are much more likely than others to have grown up in homes where adult domestic violence was occurring.”[1] Women who are victims of domestic violence are more likely to have grown up in abusive households as well. A child who routinely watches her mother get abused grows up thinking that some level of violence is part of a normal relationship.


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Although it’s apparent that an abusive man may have been subject to violence growing up, the effect on him may have been evident as early on as infancy. For example, an infant raised in an environment such as this may have disruptions in his eating and sleeping schedules. This is due to the stress an infant experiences by constantly hearing loud noises, such as yelling and screaming, as well as vivid visual images associated with violence. The stressful environment may also affect the parent-child bonding. The constant fighting back and forth between the parents prevents them from consistently responding to the infant’s needs.[3]

The effect of domestic violence on a child’s life grows more apparent with his/her age. As early as elementary school, these children engage in antisocial behavior that is so out of the ordinary that a person with even limited child exposure would know that something must be going on behind closed doors. Boys generally demonstrate externalized behaviors, such as fighting, disobedience and even destruction of property. Girls typically internalize their stress, which causes depression, anxiety, somatic complaints and withdrawal.[4] The coping strategy of young girls and boys remains basically the same throughout their adolescents; even into adulthood. However, they graduate to more drastic levels of the behavior. They may become more of a disruption at school to get the attention they crave and fail to get from their parents. They may even be more inclined to do drugs and drink alcohol as a means to escape what they’re going through at home. They’ll start failing to do their homework, and some won’t go to school at all. Instead, they’ll ditch classes to hang out with friends that give them attention and comfort. As a means to fulfill the void of a close bond with parents, some young boys seek surrogate families, such as gangs and other “clicks” with antisocial tendencies.[5] These children also may begin to accept violence in relationships and, based on the examples they’ve been given at home throughout their lives, grow up believing that violence is an acceptable form of conflict resolution.

The point here is that the effects of domestic violence on children varies in every situation. Some children react differently than others. Their behavior may be more or less disrupting, their emotions more guarded; but they are all effected negatively. While the child’s mother may be the only battered individual in the household, she’s not the only victim.


[1] O’Leary, D.K. and A. Rosenbaum. Children: The Unintended Victims of Marital Violence. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. 1981.
[2] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJF50kwwRJE&feature=related
[3] http://www.lfcc.on.ca/HCT_SWASM_19.html
[4] Deaton, Wendy and Michael Hertica. A Therapist’s Guide to Growing Free: A Manual for Survivors of Domestic Violence. The Haworth Maltreatment and Trauma Press. Binghamton, NY. 2001 (p.54)
[5] Deaton, Wendy and Michael Hertica. A Therapist’s Guide to Growing Free: A Manual for Survivors of Domestic Violence. The Haworth Maltreatment and Trauma Press. Binghamton, NY. 2001 (p.55)